A letter to my depression


I call you my depression, as if you belong to me and I own you. But that implies a degree of control over you that I do not possess. Plus, if you were really mine I’d give you away, abandon you somewhere alone and afraid where no-one could find you.

Instead, it’s the other way around. I am yours. You own me and control me. You’ve isolated  me, alone and afraid, even when I’m surrounded by people who care. You’re abusive and cruel, and it seems you’re intent to carry this on until you’ve ruined everything good in my life.

I want to ask you, that whatever you feel the need to do to me, that you leave my relationships out of it. I’m at the end of my tether with you pushing all my buttons and causing pain to the people I love. I’m not an irritable person but you make me that way. I’m not a self conscious person but you’ve wrecked my self confidence to the point that I’m a mess of insecurities and paranoia. But I know asking you that is pointless; you have no conscience and no concept of mercy.

But, in the same way you know my weaknesses, so too do I know yours. Even if some days you’re stronger than I am, I know what to expect from you. You’re unoriginal and predictable in your methods. You are so different from the person I am that, even though you endevour to make your thoughts feel like my own, I see through it. I could never hate as you hate, not even myself.

Whilst it’s true when you have me in your tightest grip and your tendrils are snaked and woven through my entire body I can barely twitch a finger without your say so. And yes, I will cry and scream and feel like i hate myself and dont see the point in tomorrow. But remember this, that hatred and that pain, is all for you. It seems like its aimed at me, but that’s only because you’re woven in so closely; it’s you that I hate not myself.

And what you didn’t count on are the people I have in my life. My family my friends and my boyfriend are constantly undoing all the damage you do to me, even though most of them don’t realise they’re doing it. You’re just one voice and as loud as you shout, they will always be louder.

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