Not good enough, never good enough 

Here I am again. 

Back into my head seeps every ounce of negativity that can possibly fit.

Don’t feel good enough 

Not a good enough friend, not a good enough sister, girlfriend, co-worker. Not pretty enough, lazy, boring, annoying, desperate and needy, lazy lazy stupid and useless. 

Don’t understand what my boyfriend sees in me, yet don’t understand why my colleagues hate me, don’t understand why I can’t be the person I want to be. Why would anyone want to waste their time with me when there are all these other people, beautiful and confident, funny and adventurous. More than me, better than me. I’m lazy and insecure and all I do is complain, why can’t i do something to change it? Why do I always end up stuck in this spiral of self-disgust? These insecurities of mine will just end up pushing everyone away and then that’ll only serve to confirm them. Self fulfilling prophecy. I’m doing this to myself, its no ones fault but my own, can’t do anything right. Ah there and back to the derogatory self talk. Can’t fucking win.  

Just fucking do something about it! Stop fucking complaining all the time, fucking ungrateful. Just lazy, looking for pity or something? I don’t want pity I just want to be content with myself. Not to fucking hate myself so damn much. How do I change it? Just fucking tell me how. Stupid annoying lazy tramp. Not even fucking pretty. What’s the point, why should people waste their time. Not attractive, not even slightly sexy. Bad friend bad sister. Just all round shit. 

You gonna use the depression as an excuse? Making excuses isn’t going to make anything better. It’s your fault and no one else’s. It’s just so fucking hard. I can’t socialise so I look boring or rude or like a bad friend. I just want to hide away in bed, sleep so I don’t have this fucking broken record of shit self hating shit playing over and fucking over in my head.

You’ve been a terrible friend, your boyfriend left you, you’re a shit sister and your work colleagues hate you, you can’t even impress your boyfriends family, they probably all think you’re shit too. Does he deserve better? Am I being selfish keeping him? He should have some older more confident girl, with a career and tall and beautiful, who charms his family and is so funny and sexy he never needs to look at anyone else. 

I can’t help my brother and I’m never there for my sister. I never make the effort for my friend. My colleagues find me boring, cause they like to dress up and get drunk and gossip, and I just can’t do it. They won’t speak to me and probably talk about me behind my back. I love my boyfriend but I don’t know if I can ever be enough for him.

I’m ruining everything good in my life with all these thoughts but I can’t stop them, they’re all true how could they not be? 

Someone tell me how to find my happiness cause I’m reaching the end of my tether and I don’t know what to do.

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One thought on “Not good enough, never good enough 

  1. Greetings! Dear Rose, undoubtedly life is a struggle for each one of us, or it would be apt to call it a test-a test to reveal which one of us is good in deeds and which one isn’t. So, we have either of the two choices-i.e. to do whatever is good, or vice versa. But the problem we have here is that people aren’t sure about what is good universally (as in to set a standard to be followed by each one of us). And that is because different people have different choices. This way, if we spend our lives finding good based on the standards of people, we would never be able to do so! So, for u to define what a good friend, co-worker, sibling and etc is, u need to look up for a standard above all human standards. To demonstrate this problem I would like to put up the following example:

    E.g.: Some ppl would want u to drink and party with them. And if u don’t they might exert peer pressure on u, hence making u feel u r not good enough.
    (on the other hand)
    There r other ppl who would love to have u around in a gathering of knowledge where u could learn and discuss various issues which if solved would add more to ur practicality in everyday life.

    So, for u to choose between the two, u need to have a standard in mind. Otherwise, u’ll tend to go with the flow-i.e. what the majority is doing. The only set of standards not set by man are religions! Although all of them claim to be divinely ordained, u can always go in search of the one which really is.

    Like

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