I just need to type this out, purge it rant anythjng, so apologies in advance.
I don’t self harm all the time. And I hadnt for ages. But when things get really bad I justdon’t know how else to cope.
I was hospitalised just over a year ago after taking an overdose. Things were pretty bad for a while. Then they got marginally better. I met this guy and we started dating, he was so nice and made me laugh when I never thought I would again. It was good having a distraction. Things were still bad but I felt like there was hope. I eventually told him about my struggles and he was ok with them. It felt nice to finally have someone know about it all and still want to spend time with me, like maybe I wasn’t completely worthless. And it was great. We dated for nearly 18months. I still had ups and downs but I was feeling ok about that part of my life.
Then last weekend I had a bad spell and he was out so I didn’t want to call him. Anyway it was really bad and I ended up cutting myself just to relieve some of the pressure. I did it on my arms where j don’t usually as there’s more of a risk of people seeing. But I wasn’t thinking straight and I needed that release right then.
Anyway, when he came round we had a really lovely day but on the evening my jumper slipped down my arm and he must have saw the cuts. He just sort of clammed up and wouldn’t speak to me or look at me. He avoided me the rest of the evening, quite a feat in my tiny studio flat. Wouldn’t be near me or get into bed until I was already asleep. Then in the morning he was still off with me but still hadn’t said why, but as he was leaving he got really weird and I asked him again what was wrong and he just looked at me and said what have you done to your arms. I didn’t know what to say and I just sort of dropped. He asked if I still did that to myself and if it was because of him. I told him I didn’t usually and of course it wasn’t. He asked why, and I just said it helped. He started crying and just left.
He text me saying he wasn’t comfortable knowing I still do that and that he was really worried about me and panicking about what else I might do. I apologised again and again and said I never wanted to hurt him and it was just my way of coping, and I knew it was a maladaptive coping strategy but I just didn’t know what else to do.
Then on Monday he text me saying he thought it was time we called it a day and that he was sorry. I told him it was ok and I had kind of expected that reaction. Then he didn’t text me again.
It’s so hard. The guilt at having caused him that much worry and pain. The shame that always comes with the self harm. The pain that is normal with a breakup on top of the pain of being rejected because j did something I never wanted to and sometimes feel like a can’t control. It was complete rejection and it hurts so much.
I totally understand that it’s not his fault and some people just can’t deal with it. I don’t want him to stay if it’s making him unhappy and j can’t and wouldn’t expect him to try to deal with something he isn’t equipped to deal with emotionally. I know how hard it must be for him. But that doesn’t stop me feeling so utterly alone and like I’ve done something terrible and I’m a horrible weak person.
I know all the platitudes, the ‘you are worth it’ and ‘things can get better’ and ‘it’s not you it’s the illness’, but they sound so empty and pointless. Maybe they’re all true. But I still can’t cope, and I still hurt him, and he still left me alone to deal with it. And that all hurts. And I don’t know what to do.
Of course on the Wednesday I had a funeral and then I had two days in London for a mental health first aider course which was great but triggering to say the least.
He’s coming round tomorrow to get his stuff.
So all in all maybe ‘worst week ever’ might have been a better title.