As I sit on the cold ground in the early hours of this morning I write this. Cried out and wrung out from feeling unloved, or not unloved but merely not loved enough. Which sounds ungrateful and bitter but honest.
Maybe I love too much that when it’s not returned as fiercely I feel cheated, or maybe I just am not worthy of the love I want. Maybe the love I want just doesn’t exist.
I read this article just, after wallowing in my own waterfall thoughts. And it seems to confirm all I struggle with. I want to believe that humans are good at heart, with just misguided desires and distractions taking away our compassion. But sometimes I just can’t hold onto that belief. Are we just a race of greedy, selfish uncaring people? So overtaken by our need for power and money that we form prejudices against those who might threaten that?
Sometimes I think I’m too weak to live in this world, too weak to sit down at the table with our most awful horrors. Thousands upon thousand die because of our greed and selfishness. And though it never directly effects me, it scorches my soul. I feel dirty and selfish for trying to carve out my own piece of happiness and for crying over not being loved enough when I have everything so many never will.
Am I a good person? I wish to be. But I am weak and sad. I feel alone when I am not and unhappy when I have all that should bring me joy.
I do not think I have the strength to live in this world sometimes.
I hold onto the quote,
Be soft. Do not let the world make you bitter. Take pride in the fact that, though many disagree, you still believe the world to be a beautiful place.
That is not the original quote but, being where I am not I do not have access or the will to go and access the true version.
Be kind child, always be kind.