Completely exhausting, head spinning, nausea inducing, rollercoaster life

I swear I’m losing it. 

Here I am slogging through this thing I call my life, fighting with my ever constant apathy, when out of nowhere..

BAM

Good mood.

Not just a good mood, never that simple. A deliriously determined hopeful mood. A right I’m gonna sort my shit out change my life my style get a hobby and crawl out this damn hole mood. Que spending excessive amounts of money on new clothes, making grand plans for what I’m going to do next with my life and pledging to become the kind of girl people feel privileged to know. 

A few days later…

Mood drops. 

Feel like utter failure at everything ever, everyone hates me, why do I even try? All the grand plans look insanely unreachable, the clothes made for someone sexier and with way more confidence and who the hell would want to spend time with me anyway? 

And this is where I crash. The distance I’ve fallen from that hopeful giddiness to this complete despair is too far. Too much of a drop too fast. Exacerbates the feelings of worthlessness and depressive agitation to a whole new level until I’m curled on the floor shaking and crying and struggling to breathe and hating myself so much. 

Where do I go from here? What do I do now? I feel scared and adrift and alone. 

I hate this.

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