A (not so welcome) return

I’m back.

Nearly a year later and I’m back. I’d like to say I survived a year without need to throw my thoughts out of my head.

But that’s not strictly true. I did survive a year, just. But I found another medium to purge my toxic waterfall thoughts in to. I started a physical ‘sort-of-diary’ (or two). It’s not like a ‘today I did this’ kind of deal, but more of a set of blank pages for me to scar with my scrawled ramblings.

So update, that’s the kind of thing one would do after a year long hiatus. Sure, right okay.

So after that last post things went downhill rather quickly. Without the gritty details I pretty much hit rock bottom around November and if you’d have told me I’d be here posting again a year later id have laughed in your face. Cause there was no way I was going to be around to post anything the next week let alone in a year, I was going to make damn sure of that.

But like everything I do, I failed at even that.

So here I am. Having fought tooth and bloodied nail to drag myself just above rock bottom, dangling by a fraying thread. Feeling myself lurch lower every day. Terrified I’m going to end up back there again.

From the outside my life got better, I suppose. From the outside everything is peachy.

But really? It just feels like every good thing I receive is just one more thing that will inevitably get torn away from me. It hard to enjoy good things when you know deep down you don’t deserve them, and they can’t get rid of this black hole inside anyway.

So now it’s almost a year since ‘the incident’ and I can’t get it out of my head.

I can’t write ( /type) anymore right now.

Fucking hell, welcome back.

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