I did say in my first post that I was unsure what I would actually be posting on here, and that it was possible that it would be an explosion of built up thoughts. Well, explosion the first is imminent…
I don’t know what is wrong with me. I feel downright miserable.
It’s not like I have a valid reason for feeling like this, I’m not bullied or abused (except maybe by myself). But I feel wretched.
Sometimes (like now) these feeling build and build until I’m left curled in a ball feeling like someone is trying to rip away everything that makes me me.
I want to be completely honest on this blog but some stuff is hard to write about, as if typing the words make it more real. Right now everything I’m going through and feeling is contained with me. I’m not sure I’m ready to share. But the consequences of keeping it in are something I’m trying to avoid, so maybe being open and honest will come with time.
I feel empty and hollow, carved out of everything important like a freakin Halloween pumpkin. I cant explain it without referring to clichés that make me feel like a fraud in my own thoughts. I don’t see the point in life, not like I’m ready to end it but it all seems so pointless and awful.
I think that maybe everyone feels like this sometimes, and that it’s normal and okay. But the feeling won’t leave me alone, it’s with me every hour of every day for the past couple of years and it’s only getting worse. Maybe this is just that normal teenage phase and I’m just weak and can’t cope with it, or maybe it’s something worse. Either way it’s crippling me.
I missed nearly all of my last year of college because I could bring myself to care about anything. Getting out of bed was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and it wasn’t worth it to sit in college feeling so awkward in my own skin I had to sit on my hands to stop myself clawing at my arms or having a complete breakdown in the toilets. My grades dropped from A’s and B’s to D’s and E’s. And the worst part was I couldn’t tell anyone why and I could see everyone thought I was stupid or lazy. Maybe they were right or maybe I’m just a fuck up. I don’t know and I don’t even want to know, I just don’t care.
Now everyone is moving forward and planning the rest of their lives and I’m stuck in a dark hole watching everyone go on ahead whilst I cant even see. How can I look forward when I’m trapped?
Writing this has released the ramblings and I feel lighter, but I still feel down and I just want to sleep
forever till very very late afternoon tomorrow.